The yearning of a young single girl stuck in the modern world.

Dear friends,

I hope this letter finds you well, this is a letter from my heart for today. Will it be the same tomorrow? I cannot guarantee. I digress, I am a hopeless romantic, at least this is what I am told. "WHAA?! You want a man who will be a man and act like a gentleman? HA! Stop being a hopeless romantic and be realistic!" My heart shakes her fist at the naysayers. I have more respect and faith in men then to believe people telling me that men suck and only want what their eyes tell them is attractive, whether or not that said attractive person is available or otherwise. I have also been told that men are too lazy to step up any more, they want women to rule them and step to them like they are the prizes to be won. 

I sigh at all this disappointing words floating around that men are worthless so we have to be both woman and man. Yet, sometimes I think it is not all their fault is it? Did not we put pressure on them that we don't want them to be gentlemen anymore? Didn't we punish them for protecting us, for pampering us, for treating us like we mean something to them? Why in the world would anyone or anything continue to do something that they are punished and disciplined for? 

So forgive me world but I will not give up my belief that there are men out there raised properly, that there are men who respect and care for women like they're supposed to. I have met them and they have married some of my very close friends! They are worth honoring! Why does no one see this anymore? I heard a thing on the radio recently that said a study was done about how women and men feel loved.. It says that men feel love more from respect while women feel love more from emotional support. Which makes complete sense, both sides complain about how men do listen to us so they're not worth anything because when we are vulnerable or distraught they don't care. Whether they care or not if they don't listen and support us we believe they don't. The other side says women only nag and rebuke us! I get no love from her because I'm apparently only a burden. 

What if we stopped looking at each other with these vicious filters on, we would be able to get much more done if we realize we are all worth more than we can fathom, and we can love others by being respectful to each other. I say often I wish some things were still like Victorian England, of course I realize women were not always treated as equals, but Gentlemen respected them and treated them properly. Did everyone fall in love? probably not, but arranged marriages and things of that sort still happen today. 

My point in all of this is that I know good men are out there who know how to treat other people especially women and children just like there are women out there who honor them. My heart yearns for a love deep and passionate, with love and peace. I don't think half the marriages that end in divorce nowadays would if people just took the time to really love the other. Which means you don't always put yourself before them. You should be partners in all things. 

I may be naive in my vision and dreams of marriage, perhaps they are even grand. However, no matter who tells me I won't find a good man, that men of good character who are not womanizers don't exist, that marriage is pointless because it will end, I will not back down. I believe marriage is beautiful, fun, loving, and that it can, and does last forever. I'm probably very old fashioned since I don't believe in going onto dating websites or putting adds out there. I believe in living your life to a full amount of everything and at some point you will meet someone going down the same path as you.

I'm not sure if I really got anywhere with this but I just felt bogged down with all the negativity against love, men, and relationships. I'm just a young single girl trying to stand up in my beliefs for my future relationship. 

Love,
Samy

To cry or to smile that is the question

You have been on my mind quite a bit lately. I miss you, how I wish that you were here. How I would take you with me to the dog show. All the things we had in common, seeing your pictures everyday and how the last pictures I got were with your smile. We didn't have any bad words between us, last time we talked what you gave me was pure love and joy. I know that God is taking care of you and I know you probably have a giant garden with lots of animals and that your health is great now. I wish you could be here to teach me how to care for an orchid or how you could see ash and I succeed and get married one day. I wish I could tell you how they threaten me with lotion and with feet and you would understand and you could tell me your stories of them threatening your with lotion and feet as well. We could cook together and share life with each other. A tear it wants to spill over it wants to be loosed in order to drop down and break. Then I think of all the good times we had and all the times we made you laugh and how you made us laugh so hard I squeaked, and how ash fought a castle and lost. Accepting our friends and US with out a second thought. I smile, thinking your legacy will live on inside of me and ash and all of us who knew you. It may still be hard to talk about you, to discuss our loss with such deep holes in our heart. But there are looks times you're brought up those are when our hearts connect and when you love and light shines. You won't be forgotten and while the deep gut wrenching pain that your loss has brought will always be there. We are just learning to live with it. Its part of us now just as you and your memory is.
I speak for us all when I say that we love you and that will always be there. That the good memories will always out way the bad or questionable because you cared and always did what you thought was for the best.
That love will always be for you my dear Aunt Beth.

My 2013

Hello everyone, I would like to share my year with you. This year has been amazing and I have learned so much! 

In the beginning of the year I was unemployed until the end of February. I learned to not just waste away my time and that I really must have something to take up my time. If we are not productive that gives us all sorts of time to have a pity party which is not any fun. Then I finally landed a job at Lowe's Home Improvement where I have met several great people that I love to work with. I learn from all the people I am regularly in contact with at work every shift. I love my job and cannot wait to see where God takes me next year. 

I would like to let everyone know I am an official ABCVA. So now my name has initials at the end which is kind of amazing to think I actually accomplished the 1st step of my career goal I set out to do. For those who do not know that stands for Animal Behavior College Veterinary Assistant. I did a 10 stage program that took me 2 years to complete. The 9th stage being an externship at Lexington Humane Society in their Spays the way program. I loved it there and really enjoyed working with the people and animals. I currently still volunteer there when I have time and money. After I graduated from that and got my certification I took a long break because I wasn't sure I wanted to be a dog trainer anymore. 

During this break I did a lot of soul searching and really began to grow my relationship with my Godhead. I am learning more and more about each one of them. I love every second of it. I have learned much about not judging people and about accepting them as they are. Which is hard to do sometimes but I know that as long as I know I am doing what is right there isn't anything else I can do. I continue to learn and grow every day. I believe that your life is in a bad place when you stop learning and growing. I also turned 21 in March. Which makes my life seem more officially mine. 

The summer went by with much work and I got involved in the Rowland Arts Center for teens. I absolutely love spending several evenings a week with the teens that come there. Getting to know each one makes me know with out a doubt that is exactly where I should be. I have met even more wonderful people and really get an idea of what selflessness means every time I am there. I wouldn't spend my time anywhere else. 

It has been over a year since we lost our beloved Aunt Beth, and I know if she were to see me now she would be proud of all that I have been doing in my life. I have grown and nurtured my relationships with my family as much as I can. I love each and everyone. I really enjoy being apart of their lives. I have also learned alot about letting people be involved in my life who genuinely care. 

I have several really really amazing people in my life that are always encouraging me to go forward and supporting my decisions while helping me see clearly when my emotions get the best of me. I love each one of them dearly and really wouldn't know what to do with myself with out them. 

I am learning how to play Bass guitar and while I would say it is slow I am blessed to be able to learn it at all especially with the teacher i have. I couldn't ask for any better. We went to our first live concert out of state by ourselves. I have also been 2 years accident free which is super exciting! 

Over all I am a 21 year old young lady who is learning more and more about God and life. I do not have a boyfriend and have never been on a date. My life is complete and full of service to children and people and homeless animals. I have so much more to learn and give. In 2014 I am excited to see what God does and I am going to get my dog trainer certification. I will continue to learn bass and volunteer my time as much as I can. I love my life and everyone in it. I think I have covered everything in this update on the year past. 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year,
Sam

My Sweet Darling Beloved

My Sweet Darling Beloved,
I lay my head with thoughts of You. I awake my heart full of You. I cannot get enough. I want so much more. I want to always be worshiping You, Singing to you. MY heart it yearns for more of You. I wait for Your guidance in matters of my heart. You told me that it is Yours and is now covered in Your pure gold. It is locked and guarded for the day You say yes. Until that day I want nothing more than to walk with you and talk with you. I want to seek you out learn more of you. I can hardly contain the smile I get when I close my eyes and see you before me giving me the most loving joyous smile I have ever beheld. I cannot just walk on the street and ask for people who know you I must find you personally. I want so much for people to feel your embrace and to have the power that comes with the knowledge of your grace and love. Hope springs eternal but not alone. I have such hope for the things that You can accomplish and Faith that I shall see them all through. I know not what exactly You have for me but I have trust beyond belief that you will see it all through. Continue to grow in me, Continue to let your love burst forth like a wild fire that is over flowing and uncontrollable spreading so fast, yet gentle and nourishing. I want so much more of you and trying to find more ways to find you. Yet the way that speaks to me most is my dreams and my worship. To know that you want more of me too is almost just as unfathomable. Yet you are mind, and I am yours. Spirit lead me... guide me, mold me... Make me the woman I know I can be and the woman you want me to be.  

Forever seeking,
Sam

One year ago today.

Today is the day. One year ago today when we lost someone who was a treasure to our family. I remember going to GameStop to see about a game while waiting on news as we knew it didn't look good. I remember getting a call from Bruce and knowing it couldn't be good as I heard his choked up voice saying she's gone we lost her. Life was slow that day and that moment I felt like my whole world stopped.

All those thoughts going through my mind why? How could this happen? All the plans I had and now they're shattered. I wanted to teleport and time travel just so I could tell her I loved her one last time.

That day.. and the days following were wretched and lovely all at the same time as our family joined together in tears, pain, and laughter. The love we had for her brought us together closer as a family. Dad did the funeral service and we all felt his pain as he got choked up and could hold it together.  I remember that time and asking God to keep her soul safe and He gave me a dream that showed me how she was in His care.

As time went on we all held on to each other closer then before. Yet I couldn't listen to most songs I loved. I couldn't think about our amazing fun times. I couldn't think about my future and how she wouldn't be there to see it. The whole that ripped and tore at my heart I feared would engulf it for a long while.

One day I met a couple people and God decided it was time to help me heal. I had nightmares and I didn't want to let go of all the pain because I thought if I did I wouldn't remember her anymore. But as my friend held me while I cried and let all my heart out I could feel God hugging me. Whispering in my ears everything is all right I am here with you. My other friend may have been silent support but I knew they both cared when all I needed to do was cry.

Today I look at the year that has gone by and I've been able to grow through my pain. I finished my certificate. I got a permanent job. I'm doing things I've always wanted to do. And I know in my heart she would be proud.  I've had good days and bad days. But more of them are good now. Do I still have days when I think of her and cry? Yes. Are there times when I hear some songs and have to change them still? Yes. Do I think of her and some of our memories and still have pain? Yes, but now there is also sweet smiles when I think of all our laughter. Do I remember how loving and wholly she accepted us no matter how odd we could be? Yes and I want to be that kind of woman.

Aunt Beth. I miss her and still hold her close to my heart. I still feel pain when I think about lotion and doctors. But I know that our family with strive and we will continue to grow closer to one another. They say time heals and the pain eventually goes away. But I don't believe that's true. If you love some one and cherish them when they pass away there will always be that spot in your heart and life where they should be. So while we will get used to it and we do things knowing she will be proud of us it will still be painful sometimes.

Things were different one year ago today. I was crying on and off. I couldn't imagine a world with out her. Today I have lived in the world but her memories and love live on inside us. So it may not have been with out her completely. As we continue to grow and move forward we always cherish our loving memories and thoughts of her. We will also grow closer.  Now I am going to spend this day enjoying the love of our family.

To everyone who has lost someone and reads this but ultimately to the people who lost her like me. I Love you, God loves you, and you are not alone. Silent tears roll down my face with hurt and pain now but before they were loud. Its okay to let it out. We will never forget her.