Today is the day. One year ago today when we lost someone who was a treasure to our family. I remember going to GameStop to see about a game while waiting on news as we knew it didn't look good. I remember getting a call from Bruce and knowing it couldn't be good as I heard his choked up voice saying she's gone we lost her. Life was slow that day and that moment I felt like my whole world stopped.
All those thoughts going through my mind why? How could this happen? All the plans I had and now they're shattered. I wanted to teleport and time travel just so I could tell her I loved her one last time.
That day.. and the days following were wretched and lovely all at the same time as our family joined together in tears, pain, and laughter. The love we had for her brought us together closer as a family. Dad did the funeral service and we all felt his pain as he got choked up and could hold it together. I remember that time and asking God to keep her soul safe and He gave me a dream that showed me how she was in His care.
As time went on we all held on to each other closer then before. Yet I couldn't listen to most songs I loved. I couldn't think about our amazing fun times. I couldn't think about my future and how she wouldn't be there to see it. The whole that ripped and tore at my heart I feared would engulf it for a long while.
One day I met a couple people and God decided it was time to help me heal. I had nightmares and I didn't want to let go of all the pain because I thought if I did I wouldn't remember her anymore. But as my friend held me while I cried and let all my heart out I could feel God hugging me. Whispering in my ears everything is all right I am here with you. My other friend may have been silent support but I knew they both cared when all I needed to do was cry.
Today I look at the year that has gone by and I've been able to grow through my pain. I finished my certificate. I got a permanent job. I'm doing things I've always wanted to do. And I know in my heart she would be proud. I've had good days and bad days. But more of them are good now. Do I still have days when I think of her and cry? Yes. Are there times when I hear some songs and have to change them still? Yes. Do I think of her and some of our memories and still have pain? Yes, but now there is also sweet smiles when I think of all our laughter. Do I remember how loving and wholly she accepted us no matter how odd we could be? Yes and I want to be that kind of woman.
Aunt Beth. I miss her and still hold her close to my heart. I still feel pain when I think about lotion and doctors. But I know that our family with strive and we will continue to grow closer to one another. They say time heals and the pain eventually goes away. But I don't believe that's true. If you love some one and cherish them when they pass away there will always be that spot in your heart and life where they should be. So while we will get used to it and we do things knowing she will be proud of us it will still be painful sometimes.
Things were different one year ago today. I was crying on and off. I couldn't imagine a world with out her. Today I have lived in the world but her memories and love live on inside us. So it may not have been with out her completely. As we continue to grow and move forward we always cherish our loving memories and thoughts of her. We will also grow closer. Now I am going to spend this day enjoying the love of our family.
To everyone who has lost someone and reads this but ultimately to the people who lost her like me. I Love you, God loves you, and you are not alone. Silent tears roll down my face with hurt and pain now but before they were loud. Its okay to let it out. We will never forget her.
